


Separation Anxiety

by Davechicken



Series: Kylux - Fluff & Angst [258]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-24
Updated: 2017-06-24
Packaged: 2018-11-18 12:44:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11290992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Davechicken/pseuds/Davechicken
Summary: Kylo doesn't like being apart.





	Separation Anxiety

It’s a ridiculous worry, isn’t it? That the time they’ve spent apart (out of necessity, not out of choice) could somehow weaken their bonds. It’s just a show of his own emotional immaturity and insecurity that he thinks being apart will make Hux realise he doesn’t need him.

The adage goes that ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’, but Kylo is certain it’s just there as a platitude. Absence makes a person see what a nice, peaceful time you have alone. If you can cope without someone for one day, you can cope for two. If you can cope for two, you can cope for two hundred. 

He’s not essential, for Hux’s survival, not in the same way Kylo feels Hux is for _his_. And so it becomes a stupid point of honour that once he’s gone, he’s gone. He doesn’t pick up the comm (he looks at it, longingly, and hates every time he feels himself wanting to reach for it and stopping himself); he doesn’t arrange to meet up between duties, when they have enough time to at least make an evening of it; he doesn’t… do anything.

And when he does get a message, it’s hours before he even opens it, and he’s torn between deleting it, answering it ‘normally’, breaking up with him, or begging him to stop shutting him out and come ‘home’.

Which. Isn’t clever, smart, or well-adjusted.

So the response is curt, efficient, emotionless. 

He feels too much for it to go in a brief comm. 

He feels too much and he lacks the words to voice it.

So he says nothing at all.

The messages come less frequently, and Kylo has already decided they’ve broken up. It’s just that Hux doesn’t want to mention it. They will pretend like nothing happened at all, rather than have an acrimonious split. It will fade, and Hux will be fine, and Kylo will be destroyed, but somehow keep going. 

Even though his gut knots like there’s a Mynock pulling on the ends of his intestines. Even though he thinks about him. Someone says ‘general’ in any sense, and his mind adds ‘Hux’. A flash of copper hair and he’s homesick and hungry. 

He misses him so fucking much. _So much_. His days are flat and colourless, or they have a colour and it’s _sickly green_. He has no one to share jokes with, and thus he has no jokes. No one to tell tales to, and no one to just… lean against, or hold. He’s heartsick and abandoned, and he knows he’s brought it all on himself by closing Hux out.

He knows. And he can’t stop himself. He knows, because he wanted to prove he could, and that Hux didn’t need _him_ as much as he needs _Hux._ This is all his own doing and he isn’t sure he could even degrade himself enough to stay with someone who isn’t as into this as he is, so–

When the door opens, he’s almost ready for Hux to turn and leave, avoiding the confrontation, or just demand his things back. 

Not that Hux left many things in _his_ space, but yes, Kylo left his all over _Hux’s_. Of course.

But instead, Hux frowns. “Are you going to tell me what’s upset you?”

Not the opening Kylo expected, and not one he wanted, either. “Nothing.”

“Kylo… would you _please_ tell me what I did wrong? I don’t know why you’re shutting me out like this?”  


“I’m n–”  


Hux makes a strangled noise, walks over to him, and grabs his hands. Kylo’s immediately on the defensive, trying to wrestle his hands free, fighting a sudden panic that has him shoving _out_ with the Force, staggering the other man. 

Which. He hadn’t meant. At all. But he’d felt so threatened that–

“Kylo, _please_ would you talk to me? I don’t know why you’re angry, and it’s hurting me. If you’re punishing me for being away with work - why didn’t you tell me it would be a problem? I checked before, to make sure it would be okay, and now you’ve decided it isn’t?”  


“It’s not that,” the Knight mutters.   


“Then what? Did I forget something? Say something? Did I do something I didn’t realise?” Distraught, the man’s hand shakes through his hair, flustering it imperfect. “I c-can’t fix what I don’t understand.”  


Which means Kylo’s being an utter, impossible dick. He tumbles off the couch, wanting nothing more than to run, and stops when a hand grabs his sleeve.

Fingers, tangling in fabric. Not daring to make full contact, but the eyes that beg him to stay… 

“I… thought you didn’t want me,” he admits, into his chest.  


“What? Why?”  


“…you didn’t seem to… care we were… apart.”  


“Care? I checked up on you constantly. I messaged you, and you didn’t reply. I thought you were busy, or needed space, so… I… tried to give it to you. But not a _day_ went by when I didn’t miss you like something vital had been plucked from inside of me.”  


Hux is not one for demonstrative speech. Kylo is normally the one full of hyperbole and mangled poetic lines. Hux is understated, is professional. This kind of outburst must have hurt him dearly, and Kylo looks up to angry, almost-crying eyes.

“I… I don’t know. I thought… if you could handle being away from me, that you didn’t need me.”  


“Handling is not the same thing as _preferring_.”  


“Well I **needed** you, and you didn’t _need_ me.”  


Hux’s hand drops. “You got through your days. Didn’t you?”

“…yes, but–”  


“I got through mine. But I still _needed_ you. And you pushed me away.”  


Yes, Kylo is aware this is all his fault. Which. Great. He takes in a deep, deep breath, and holds it until it burns. “I’m sorry.”

“Tell me what we do… do we not stay apart so long? Do I call you more? Schedule in time to talk? Do we meet up again? _What_ can I do to make you understand how important you are to me?”  


Fuck, that’s the last straw. Kylo starts to cry silently, his eyes dripping like molten candles all down his cheeks. He doesn’t know how to fix this, but the very fact that Hux _wants to_ … it makes something inside unwind, unknot, undo. He grabs hold of him, pulls his neck to where he can sob into it, and claws at his shoulders. 

Maybe they try those. Maybe there’s some way for him not to panic so much. Maybe he just needed to be told… he has no clue, but… Hux wants this to work, so it… just might. 


End file.
